Previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
It's a day off, motherfuckers!
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
Good day! Good day! Five gold!
Make it to the end of the haunted house!
And the treasure's all yours!
You are in a miserable cubicle.
All three levers up, the crawlspace door opens back up.
It's about a three foot crawlspace.
And you crawl for ten or fifteen minutes.
A lot of crawling.
It's a pretty long time!
And you find your back at the entrance to the haunted house.
I can't believe he's trapped us in another fucking place.
It's all in the same place.
In another maze. We're in another fucking maze is what we're doing.
This never ends with this guy.
So you enter into a new chamber and there are three chests.
Go to the gold one and I investigate it.
Not this one!
Why not?
I think there's snakes in there.
Oh, okay.
And inside the oak chest springs an animated giant skeleton.
Thea is going to cast Eldritch Blast on this motherfucking bony skeleton bitch.
You let forth three Eldritch Blasts and they strike into the skeleton,
welling up with this magical energy and explode the skeleton across the room.
Thea, I feel like, do you want this ring in this box?
You really like blasted the shit out of that skeleton.
Yeah, you kind of earned it after that.
And I cast Detect Magic on it.
You can detect that it is a ring of protection.
You all three walk through.
The mist envelops you and you find yourself back at the beginning of the maze.
But instead of the stone floor, it is turned back to wood.
And you look down and the three of you are completely naked.
Now we're talking.
Well, there's your three chances.
Hope you try again next time, eh?
You guys head off perhaps into the Yawning Portal Inn.
You open the door and it's a loud ruckus event going on
and you hear, somebody's gonna get fucked!
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
We're a D&D 5th edition actual play podcast
and I'm your dungeon master Russ More
and with me today all smiles is Amy More.
I'm trying to bottle up and push down my rage
and this is going to help me because I play Thea Amastasia.
And Carla Johnson.
I'm always trying to bottle up and push down my rage.
And I play Nylaura Moonbrook.
You do it very successfully and finally Tom Laird.
Whole lot of rage here too, but I think I do a pretty good job
of tamping it down and I play Flintfire Reard.
I kind of feel that Carla might be the Hulk.
That's what I was going for.
It's 100% possible.
My secret is I'm angry all the time.
I'm always angry.
That's the one, not the one that I said.
You wouldn't know from the outside because you look at us four
and we're all very, generally speaking, even killed people.
It's true.
They're all just like Canadians.
We just hate life.
Just seething.
Secretly seething lots of stuff.
Volcano of anger inside you.
You know where there's lots of volcanoes of anger?
It's over on Patreon.
I hope that's not true.
I don't know.
I think we're doing a poor job.
Yeah.
You know where there's...
Wait for it.
You know where there's not volcanoes of anger?
Over on Patreon.
Here it is.
That's good.
And when you're a patron of ours, it's very simple.
We dedicate an episode to you.
And today's episode is dedicated to Richard Lawrence.
Yay, Richard.
Richard.
Richie.
Uh.
Rich?
Rick.
Dick?
I mean, Dick is a...
I mean...
It is.
I know many Dicks.
Everything he signs, it's always Richard.
Okay, let's go with Richard.
No nicknames for you.
No nicknames.
You rock.
Thanks, Richard.
Um...
Fuck it, let's play D&D.
Because I don't have anything else.
Let's do it.
Nice.
Let's do this.
Get to it.
Previously, you guys did some Halloween business.
Which has worked up now.
I mean, that was kind of the idea, though.
Okay.
Okay, good.
I don't feel so bad about that.
Because what we needed, Russ, was a real lesson in humility after all of our incredible successes.
All of our successes.
Yeah.
We were getting a little full of ourselves.
Absolutely.
And I was like, I wish just at the end, you know, we would just be like shamed and naked.
Yeah.
Like literally, literally naked.
We really burned through that maze so fast that you had to knock us down.
The hubris.
The hubris in this group.
Out of this world.
Russ thought the maze was going to take us a full calendar year.
And it didn't.
Quite.
Exceeding expectations all over the place.
It did take three months.
It took a quarter.
It was a crazy amount of time.
It took a quarter over here.
Listen, we don't have to put measurements on things and use like units like months.
I mean, in game, it barely took any time.
Exactly.
That's true.
Let's lift that leg.
Yeah.
Exactly.
So good.
Are we going to talk about level ups?
Sorry.
But you guys did after that, after the maze, you should have leveled up.
And you did.
So let's talk about that.
What happens at level 13?
Well, level 13 feels pretty good.
Not a lot that happens at level 13.
No.
It's kind of just like the Tuesday of levels.
Yeah.
It's really hurtful.
Yeah, proficiency bonuses went up, so that actually will be great.
Now Flint probably has like a plus 25 to every hit, I would assume.
Yeah, probably.
Something like that.
We'll see how it goes.
I got one new spell.
Me too.
That's fun.
What did you get?
It's vine related, as almost all of my spells are.
That's pretty good though.
It's called grasping vine.
So I conjure up a vine, and it will grab a creature within 30 feet, unless they succeed
on a deck save, and it will pull the creature 20 feet towards them.
Well, that's fun.
Yeah.
So that's pretty fun.
Nice.
I also got one.
It's a seventh level spell, and it's Firestorm.
And I get to create 10 foot cubes of fire within 150 feet of me.
So I'm just like, lighten this place up.
Glad I went first.
That's pretty badass.
Oh, just wait for me to bring it home, guys.
Wait for me to bring it home.
I can reroll a saving throw.
I fail twice now instead of just once.
I mean, that's pretty great.
It's great, but nothing compared to fucking Firestorm.
Well, until when she gets an eighth level spell, I don't know if anything
will compare to Firestorm, because that shit's rad.
Sounds pretty baller.
Yeah.
I thought Sunbeam was really awesome, and then Firestorm came along, and I'm like,
cubes of fire?
See you later, Sunbeam.
That is like one of the sharpest angled 3D shapes there is out there.
True.
You raise a valid point.
Yep.
Yeah, I do.
You guys are just being nice speaks that hard name.
I appreciate it.
Keep it coming.
Russ, did you get any level ups as the DM?
Oh, I got a lot of level ups.
I'm not allowed to talk about those level ups, though.
Extra plus a bajillion to all my rolls.
Wow, okay.
Wow.
Critchfails don't count for me.
Okay.
Wow.
This game's level DM is pretty baller, y'all.
Pretty badass, isn't it?
That's not the Tuesday.
That's the Friday.
Yep.
No, I'm kidding.
Well, I mean, every level has to be good for somebody.
This one's good for me.
Yeah, Firestorm was great.
Oh, yeah, but it's not DM.
It's not DM going on.
It's all right.
Not jealous.
It's fine.
So, no, nothing happened for me.
That's it.
It's really, yeah.
People are listening being like, oh my God, I haven't been leveling up as a DM.
Am I supposed to be leveling up as a DM?
The answer's no.
Never listen to Russ.
What things do you do?
Dungeon Master Guide?
Where is this section?
Russ is just messing with us.
Don't worry.
Level them up.
Yeah, DMs don't get to level up.
They do get to create the level of difficulty around the players, though.
So, really, it's like I get to level up every day.
But you guys, you made it back to Waterdeep.
You went through a little haunted house thing.
You went and partied at the Yawning Portal.
What happened at the Yawning Portal once you guys left the haunted house there?
What did you guys get up to?
I ended up making out with some half elf, half orc dude just in the corner.
All night.
Good for Thea.
Nice.
Way to go.
Thea was very excited.
Didn't go anywhere beyond that.
She had an early morning.
Well, Flame McKins was really trying to one up everybody there.
What did Flame McKins get up to?
We probably don't want to know.
I mean, I saw her at the beginning of the night grinding up against some people
who obviously did not appreciate it.
But then after that, I kind of lost track of her.
You know how when a dog takes its toy and just kind of humps it into submission?
Sure.
We're going to have to post a video, aren't we?
Sorry, this is what Paisley does.
And it is vulgar.
It is aggressive.
And it is vulgar.
It is nothing like you'd expect this sweet little dog to do.
It's just horrific.
She's not sweet.
And what did Flint and New Laura get up to there?
We must have seen Grug, right?
I know we saw him earlier, but I assume we waited until he wasn't performing
and probably caught up and saw how he was doing and, you know,
filled him in on our latest exploits.
So that he could write songs for them.
Exactly.
And then they ended up naked in them.
Yeah, maybe not about the haunted house.
Yeah.
Yeah, Grug was there.
He was playing the song as you guys were walking down the street,
which was graciously provided by our good friend Spencer out of game.
He did write a song for us for that episode.
Oh my God, Spencer's amazing.
Spencer's great.
But yeah, you caught up with Grug and all is good in his world,
except for, you know, the end of the world.
Yeah, we're all dealing with that.
Yeah, I mean, everybody.
I mean, just in the moment, everything was doing okay.
Flint was asked to leave the establishment pretty quickly
because he walked in Winnie the Pooh style.
So he was wearing a shirt, but no pants.
So yeah, he got kicked out pretty quick.
So after the haunted house, you just put a shirt on?
Yeah.
Oh bother.
Oh bother, indeed.
Okay, well, I mean, it's nice that you're so comfortable with yourself now.
When before you weren't so a lot of character growth for him.
Yeah, it really is.
It's maybe you've overcorrected, but it's still it's nice.
Well, you got to steer into the skin, right?
Well, that's good.
It sounds like everybody had a great night
and you now find yourselves waking up in the morning in your own rooms.
I mean, you may be alone.
I'll leave that up to you.
What's everybody doing?
Let's start with let's start with Thea.
Well, Thea goes through her morning routine.
She splashes her face with some water and it's all like dewy
and beautiful and shit naturally like an elf is.
And she braids her hair into a beautiful big long plate
and gets dressed because she sleeps nude.
As you're getting dressed, you find a note
that you may have left to yourself that says
Meet the group for breakfast at the Yawning Port.
Thea picks it up and looks at it and she goes
Thanks, slightly drunk past self.
And I and I tuck it into my pocket because I got dressed
and I go out the room with a little pep in my step.
You know, after a good night of just frivolity.
I like it.
Heading off on her way,
she probably woke up a little late as far as timeline goes.
When does Flint wake up and what does he do?
Flint woke up real early because, you know,
he had a few drinks before he got kicked out of the Yawning Portal.
But he went to bed pretty quick.
He was out of there and then he got up.
Sorry.
How long were you in there Winnie the Pooh style
to get drinks before they noticed you?
Oh, no, the drinks were just on the bar
and he just picked them up and started drinking them.
He knew they were going to kick him out right away.
Like the security was walking over and he was just grabbing people drinks.
Oh, OK, fair enough.
I'm impressed.
And yeah, so he got to bed pretty quickly after that.
He woke up real early because it takes a long time
to get his beard looking as good as it normally needs to look.
So there's a lot of oil and combs and brushes and various things.
So that was pretty much his entire morning
which is for your maintenance.
Wow, interesting.
We're learning a lot about Flint, I think.
And as you were escorted or left or thrown out of the Yawning Portal,
I don't know how close they got to you.
Optimistic. Out!
You remember hearing someone yell,
Mina's here in the morning!
But put pants on!
He's put pants on.
Long pants.
Fine, whatever.
And as you head out on your way to start your day,
give me two good old D20 rolls there.
Two of them?
Two of them.
OK.
The first one is a 12 and the other one is a 10.
All right.
Are there bonuses?
Negative.
OK.
There are no bonuses in life.
Good.
Yep, you head out on your way to the Yawning Portal.
Mm-hmm.
And Donnie.
Mm-hmm.
What time do you wake up and what are you doing?
I think we probably get up pretty early.
I think I'm kind of a, you know, sunrise riser kind of person.
So we, I would imagine, like, head out for a walk around the city.
Donnie wants to, like, you know, I'm taking Donnie for a walk, essentially.
He's got to, like, spread his wings.
He didn't have a great time, you know, the Yawning Portal.
This isn't like, it's not really his scene.
So, yeah, we get up early, take in the fresh air.
There's not really that much fresh air, especially with the city totally, like,
overrun with refugees and, you know, the streets packed and the remnants of the
Harvest Festival littering the streets.
But we still, we still do our normal morning thing of taking a walk around.
I assume you two were given the direction of where to meet in the morning.
Yes.
Yes, I assume so.
So you go about your morning, and when you think it's appropriate to go get
yourself some breakfast, you begin heading towards the Yawning Portal Inn.
And you're a good ways away because you had wandered, you know, just kind of
see what the crowds were doing.
And there are a lot, like, as you described, there are a lot of people
packed into the streets.
But normally, your time in Waterdeep, it wouldn't quite be as such.
And as you're entering back into the district, you hear from behind you a man
shouting, no, McCavage!
And as you turn, you see a large, big white furry buffalo chewing up a man's
vendor's cabbages.
And you see four young, they look like adventurers, trying to push the beast
off of the cabbages as the vendor's screaming at them, stop it!
What are you doing?
Get your goddamn stupid buffalo away!
I can't come up with a word for it.
But I do like all the mouth noises he makes.
He's very furious, right?
There's a lot of, like, you can tell he's very mad.
Yeah, when you're so mad, you can't even say anything.
You're just sputtering and making that sense.
And these four young adventurers, they seem like they're having a difficult
time getting this buffalo away from the delicious cabbages.
Those delicious cabbages, sure.
Well, I'm going to, I guess, go try and help.
Does it have any kind of, like, must have a rope around its neck?
It's there.
It does.
It's their giant buffalo, I assume.
It would appear on first glance that it's probably their buffalo.
It does have a furnace-type rope tied around its head.
Sure.
As you get closer, you start hearing them kind of talking to the buffalo,
and they're like, come on, scruffy, just get off of this, jeez.
So I go over and say, like, hey, you guys, can I help?
I don't know, I think we're fine.
And the vendor's like, no, get the buffalo away from here,
if you can help, please.
Are all four of them, like, pulling on the rope or a couple pushing?
A couple are trying to push it from one side,
while one couple are reefing on the rope.
Okay.
I am going to reach into my pocket where I have a sugar cube,
because sometimes I give them to Donnie.
See, he's got a little bit of a sweet tooth,
and I kind of hold it out in front of the buffalo
to see if I can entice it away from the cabbages with something sweet.
Buffalo roll, do you need me to do a buffalo?
Animal handling is probably what you want.
I am good at that.
So that is a 21.
I'm pretty good at animal handling, guys.
This buffalo is mid-chomp into this huge head of cabbage,
and the shop owner is, like, pulling what hair he has left out,
and it looks up and smells the sugar cube
and begins to move towards your hand.
Perfect.
So I kind of, like, I'm holding my hand out,
and I kind of am, like, you know, backing away
so that it's leading kind of away from the cabbages,
and then whoever the closest adventurer is,
I kind of, like, beckon with my other hand
and hand off the sugar cube to them
so that they can keep leading it away.
One of the young men, they look at you,
and they say, thank you, thank you, sorry.
And then they look at the shop owner, and they're like,
I'm sorry, and he's like,
get out of here and get your cabbages somewhere else.
Yeah, guys, it's not the best place to have a buffalo.
I mean, I guess you're here.
Were you here for the harvest festival?
Or, I mean, maybe a couple of you
could have waited outside the city with it.
You know, it's a big animal.
Yeah, we were bringing in an order
of some lumber and stuff
to try and build some makeshift houses.
But, yeah, he got kind of hungry,
and we didn't have anything on us.
We hadn't got paid yet.
So he likes the cabbages a lot.
Okay, well, hold on a minute.
So I go back to the vendor,
and I buy a few cabbages, I guess quite a few.
It's a buffalo.
They're really big.
I think he's got a taste for cabbage.
So I grab, like, an armful of cabbages,
and I come back and give them to the other adventurers
and are like, here, sorry you haven't gotten paid yet.
It's kind of, you know, the whole world's falling apart.
What can I say?
And I give them a couple extra sugar cubes, too,
so that they can, in case this happens again,
despite the cabbages I have given to them for the buffalo.
They say, thank you, thank you so much.
We don't have anything to give you.
Just if you ever need somebody to pull something for you,
we can help.
Awesome, thank you.
I will keep that in mind.
My name's New Laura.
You guys have a good day.
They kind of look at each other.
New Laura?
Well, okay, thank you.
They start to stammer over their words.
You be safe.
You guys, too.
Thank you.
And they kind of pull in a, come on, Scruffy, let's go.
And they hurry off down the street,
looking back over their shoulder.
They look a little awestruck that they just met you.
And you continue on your way.
Heading toward that yawnin' portal.
Thea?
Yeah?
You head out into the street.
You're not far from the yawnin' portal.
You're in an area where there usually isn't hardly any people.
It's kind of where the royalty live.
And it's packed.
You're trying to weave your way through the street
to get down to the inn.
And you see a couple kids zip by,
one screaming at the other.
A girl is chasing after a boy who,
you're uncertain what is happening,
but she's saying, give it back!
Give it back!
And he's yelling, I'm gonna destroy your toy!
I don't care what you tell Mom!
And he's got this doll.
And he looks like he's trying to, like,
tear its head off of its body,
as this girl is just crying.
She's in tears at what she's doing.
They're chasing each other through the streets.
I watch them for a moment,
and I continue walking until I've positioned myself
in the path where they'll have to run in front of me.
And I put my leg out, and I trip the boy.
But before he hits the ground,
I reach forward and I grab his arm.
So he doesn't face plant.
You know, like, I'm not looking to, like,
break a kid's tooth.
He's not paying attention to anything else around him,
and he goes, like, ass over tea kettle.
He's gonna hit face first,
and you catch him, and he looks up at you,
spooked and scared.
What happened?
You almost fell on the ground
after tripping over my foot.
What's making you run so fast, little man?
He's trying to destroy my things, my toy!
A little girl runs up behind him.
What are your names?
My name's Abigail,
and my name's Ivar.
Ivar, Abigail, my name is Thea.
You guys seem to have a problem here.
Yeah, he won't give my toy back.
Why won't you give her her toy back?
Because she's a little snitch.
Uh-oh.
Tells on me all the time.
Girls, snitches get stitches.
I take the toy from...
I take the toy from Ivar.
I say, can I see it?
I guess.
He seemingly reluctantly hands it over to you.
All right, now, is there a specific event
that you're angry that Abigail ratted you out on?
I mean, she told my parents
that I was out past curfew,
at the harvest festival.
How old are these kids?
I don't know.
He's maybe 12.
He's probably like seven or eight.
Okay.
Ah, out at the harvest festival, huh?
See anything good?
There was some good music,
and there was this haunted house
I wanted to go in there,
but instead I got a little scared.
Yeah, no, you know what?
It was crap anyway.
Abigail, why'd you tell on your brother?
He's not supposed to go out.
There's too many people.
He'll get in trouble.
He'll get hurt.
Oh, it sounds like your sister's
really worried about you, Ivar.
Yeah, I guess.
You know what?
I don't have any brothers or sisters,
and if I did, I hope that I'd have one
that would care about me
as much as your sister cares about you.
Okay, yeah.
What do you say we give her her toy back?
And Abigail, what if you let your brother
have a little bit of independence
and learn some lessons on the fly
through making mistakes
instead of running to Mom and Dad
every time he does something wrong?
As long as he stops destroying my things.
I think he will.
Both of them look up at you.
She's kind of expectantly,
because you're holding her toy,
and him, like, shit.
I give her back the toy,
and I say, listen,
you don't become a decimator of dragons
by snitching or breaking the rules
your parents give you.
When you say decimator of dragons,
they kind of look at each other.
He's like, I heard a song
about the decimator of dragons.
Yeah, that's a good one.
Yeah.
Okay, you guys, run along.
Thank you.
Stay out of trouble.
Thank you.
She's crying into her toy
as she runs off.
Continue on your way
and make it to the front door
of the yawning portal, Flint.
On your way.
Nothing so nefarious happens to you.
It's children stealing each other's toys.
And a gentle white buffalo.
Nefarious.
Nefarious all over here.
Cabbage-stealing buffaloes.
Cabbages.
Thief.
You make your way to the yawning portal,
and again, you are weaving through
people sleeping in the streets
and passing by and waking up,
because it's earlier in the day.
And you get about halfway
or three-quarters of the way there,
and you feel something brush up against your leg.
I take a look to see what is hitting my leg.
You look down and you see a cat
kind of weaving itself between your legs.
Like in a friendly way?
Yeah.
All right, I give him a little scratch
between the ears.
It purrs and it nuzzles up against you.
Where'd you come from there, friend?
As you're petting it,
you notice that it's pretty thin.
Like it's been perhaps on the streets
for quite a while.
Do I have any food with me?
You should have some rations on you, yeah.
I wonder how much Flint likes cats.
He kicks it and he's like,
ah, get out of here!
Totally.
This is what character development,
this is what we find out.
So yeah, I take a look in my knapsack
and I find suitable rations
to break off for this little cat.
I kneel down and start handing it some food.
How big are the pieces that you're handing it?
Oh, they're small.
I've crumbled them up in my hand,
so it can just kind of go to town all at once.
It looks a little nervous
before it begins to take a couple pieces
and chew them looking up at you,
and then it eats quite readily out of your hand,
and then a loud noise happens
as a group of vendors behind you
are throwing boxes around,
and it scurries off down an alleyway.
Well, I guess I'll see you next time.
You stand up and begin walking down
towards the awning portal,
and as you push the door open,
Bork takes over.
I'm not wearing any underwear.
And as you step in
and announce this to the open room,
Thea, New Laura, Flameykins, and Thaddeus
are sitting staring at you,
and Flameykins is like,
Oh, again?
We weren't wearing it last night either.
Well, at least he's wearing pants.
I guess that's an improvement, right?
I mean, he didn't announce it last night,
but that's fine.
Well, I don't think he had to announce it, Flameykins.
Pretty obvious.
To everyone.
Touche!
No, no touche.
No, no touching.
Flamey, come and sit down
and make Flameykins stop talking.
All right, all right.
So I hustle over there and pull up a chair.
Guys, I just found out today
I might make a great mother someday.
Oh.
Okay.
What happened?
What'd you do?
Oh, I stopped a little squabble
between some siblings.
I laid down some sweet life lessons
and changed some lives.
Wow.
You gave me some sweet life lessons last night,
let me tell you.
Oh, boy.
Is it the lesson of, like,
consensual touching and personal space?
That's a good lesson.
That's a very good lesson.
Out of game, that is a great lesson.
Great lesson.
Great lesson, yeah.
Yeah.
It was that lesson.
It wasn't that lesson, was it?
No.
Hmm.
Okay.
So I brought you all here today to tell you...
Mm-hmm.
Wait, did I bring you all here today?
You brought us here?
I'm waiting to see how this plays out.
I just really want to hear what...
Why'd you bring us here, Flamykins?
Yeah, why we were gathered.
I just had a note on my bedside table from myself.
Yeah, I told you to write that note, obviously.
I brought you all here today to tell you that
I am breaking up the band.
What?
I have to...
I have been recruited by the higher-ups
in the airship squadrons
to lead a group
into battle.
Is this true, Flamykins?
That doesn't sound right.
Did you...?
Well, I mean, okay.
Did you get a job on an airship
but you have to stay in the bottom
so no one can see or talk to you?
I mean, I got a job on an airship.
Okay, congratulations.
Okay.
Don't have to stay in the bottom.
Okay, but I'm not leading them.
I mean, sooner or later,
they'll see my leadership qualities
and they'll move me up through the ranks,
but right now, I'm...
Cream always rises to the top.
Absolutely.
You know what?
I'm just happy that you got a job,
and I'm also happy that you're not the one
leading some people into battle
just because I think that, like,
your skills are just...
You know what?
Sometimes the leaders have to deal
with so much red tape,
and you're just, like,
a get-it-done kind of person.
I am, aren't I?
You are.
So can I lift my orange juice?
What do you drink in the morning?
What?
Orange juice?
I was lifting, like,
whatever glass I have in front of me.
Milk?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Milk.
Yeah, I lift my milk and I say...
Sure, there's coffee.
Yeah.
Dernan, give me some coffee.
She doesn't know what to drink.
I was trying to make a toast,
I was gonna say,
to FlamikinsKins.
Oh, yeah, thank you.
Thank you.
Whatever.
FlamikinsKins.
FlamikinsKins, when does your new job start?
Yesterday.
Why are you still here?
I don't know.
There was a party going on.
I figured I'd get one last.
Do you think they may have left without you?
No, the airships are still out there.
She looks out the window again,
and she's like,
yeah, no, they're still out there.
I'm still good.
Well, we'll miss you.
Well, I mean,
I'll miss you guys, too.
I'm sure I'll see you, you know,
around.
Yes, it's been good.
Thanks for getting me back from the forest.
Not gonna be the same without you.
It's not, FlamikinsKins.
We're gonna miss you.
I'm glad you're gonna be back on a ship, though.
It seems like that's kind of where you're meant to be.
Yeah, I've been missing the open seas.
I mean, I don't really get the open seas,
but it's kind of up in the air,
which is a really cool thing.
I mean, aesthetically,
it's similar to the ship you were on in the open seas,
so that's something, right?
Sure.
Still the same kind of creaking noise
and then the rocking.
A lot of familiarity.
Sick.
Is air sick instead of sea sick?
I'm sure it'll be back in my air legs in no time.
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But in the meantime,
let's join our friends back in the Yawning Portal,
and you have a great week,
and we will talk soon.
I hope so.
We were like literally just on an airship,
and you did fantastic.
Well, thank you.
Thank you.
You guys did pretty good, too,
but not enough to be recruited by the squadron.
Fair point.
Yeah, yep.
Thaddeus says, too, he's like,
well, if we're breaking up the band,
part of the battle against Tiamat,
I've been asked to join the Arcane Brotherhood's front,
and I believe unless you guys feel you need extra support,
which I mean, you guys, you've come a long way
since Grants has started telling me about you.
You've only died once since I've been around,
so that's a bonus.
Well, it may have been because you've been around Thaddeus, but...
Yeah, just know that when it comes to the final battle,
we will be there providing support to you and to everybody else.
What about you and the airships, Flammokin?
Are you guys going to be there, too?
I'm pretty sure.
There was some talk about, you know,
arranging how we're going to do this final attack here,
and they just seem to be waiting on something.
Well, they're waiting for you to step up and join their fleet.
They did.
Now they're not going to wait anymore.
We're to run a fleet of a thousand ships!
Were they waiting for you to leave the room
to continue talking about the plan?
I don't know.
I'm just curious.
What are you saying, Thea?
Loose lips sink ships.
You're saying people don't like to tell me secrets?
While they're having this conversation,
I'm going to, like, have an aside with Thaddeus, if I can.
Yeah, for sure.
And say, Thaddeus, I really hope that...
that you know that I didn't mean it
when I stabbed you in the chest.
I healed you right after, and I just...
I know that it's the dagger.
You know that, right?
I hope that's not why you're leaving us.
You hear in your head,
Oh, come on, you kind of meant it a little bit.
and Thaddeus is like, I understand.
I have been and will continue to do some research
and find whose dagger it is
or what they are responsible to.
I hope you figure it out soon,
because putting that on the battlefield
might be a... a detriment?
I know you're right.
But it could be so much fun.
I will still be there on the battlefield with... with you.
And together we should watch out for that
if you're not able to get rid of it before
or deal with it in a way that seems beneficial to your cause.
Yeah, I'm gonna try and get rid of it.
I just... I don't want it to make me hurt anybody if I... if I do.
You are strong, Nylar. You can fight it.
So you're telling me that I am the reason
that people don't tell other people's secrets?
No, no, no, that's not what I said.
You misunderstood me.
What I said was, sometimes when you're told...
And I want to have an aside with Thaddeus as well.
Go for it.
I lean over and I kind of put my hand next to my mouth
so that like everybody can't really see what I'm saying to them.
And then I remember that I have beard oil all in my beard
and it's everywhere on my head.
Which, if anyone's ever put beard oil in their beard before
and then touched their beard, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
How would Bort respond to the fact that Flint has so much beard oil in it?
Oh, he finds it. He's like, what the fuck is on my hand?
But he says, speaking of... I overheard your guys' conversation.
Speaking of getting rid of things, how do I...
How do I get out of this guy's head?
Pardon me? Flint?
Oh, do you not know?
Okay, so a while back...
Okay, long story short, there's two of us in this dude's brain.
My name's Bort.
Dragonborn, from a different planet.
And I want to get the fuck out of here.
How do I get out of here?
I mean, we were told a list of items to get at one point,
but do you have any leads on that?
Um...
No? What? Okay.
Well, pleasure to meet you, Bort.
Hey, if you're joining this arcane neighborhood,
you must know a thing or two.
So how would you approach the problem of two souls in one body?
Well, they must be...
separated, obviously.
No doi.
Anytime a soul has possessed or become part of another being,
it's a brutal and painful process in the ritual that ensues.
I mean, I got my head chopped off at one point,
which was pretty brutal and pretty painful, so I'm up for it.
Okay. Okay.
So the thing is, though,
unless you have been given a way to separate the souls
and, you know, put them in a vessel appropriate for a soul,
one of them is gone.
Mm-hmm. I mean, at this rate, I would even accept being gone,
just to be free of this prison.
Okay. Okay.
I can look into that more for you, good Bort.
Nice to meet you.
I would appreciate that greatly.
And he totally believes that this is not Flint pulling a fast one on him,
so that's good.
And I'm sorry to hear that this has happened.
Tom, roll a d20.
That is a one.
Huh?
You're still Bort.
Okay.
I'm sorry to hear that this has happened to you, Bort.
It's all good, man.
If you could speed along, expedite that process,
that information for me, that would be aces.
I'm on it.
And I will look into separating souls.
This is a new one for me, specifically.
Okay. Yeah.
This has been a good, insightful breakfast.
Ooh, boy.
Does he say that a little loudly?
He is like...
No one is supposed to know about the underwear that I gave to him, okay?
What?
Well, now we all know.
You've given people underwear, too?
No, this was part of a...
That's what they were fighting about.
That was a secret that I told her that...
I've missed that part.
I'm having three fucking conversations here.
Get it together.
You leveled up and everything.
Yeah, level 13 DM.
Come on.
Okay.
You guys continue finishing up your breakfast.
Dernan brings you a full round.
It's a full English, as they say.
Ooh, big fry-up.
Yep.
It's very good.
And then Flamekin stands up,
which looks like she's much lower than she was before,
pulls herself up onto the chair and says,
Well, I think I'm off.
It's been a pleasure, folks.
I'll see you on the battlefield
when we will ride to Justice and Dawn
all the things that they say.
Stay safe, Flamekins.
Yeah.
Work on that battle cry for the actual battle.
I look forward to hearing it.
Yeah, probably.
If you're going to be leading those ships, Flamekins,
it's probably a good idea.
Right.
How did that one go that you said, Flint?
I'm not wearing underwear?
I'm not wearing underwear!
It throws your enemies off.
Trust me.
It's got a good ring to it.
I like it.
All right.
And she leaps across the table
and gives each of you a big hug.
I slip a condom in her pocket
because I'm worried about her safety.
Make a stealth roll.
20.
Wow.
Yep.
Slip.
And everybody else,
or at least Thaddeus, stands up at this point and says,
Well, we still have these grungs,
but these grungs will have to wait till after the battle,
I believe.
And hopefully you can join me at that point.
If we don't defeat Tiamat,
the grungs aren't really going to have much of a home to go to anyway.
That's true.
I run over and I give him a big hug.
Yeah.
Big hug.
Does he look uncomfortable?
I mean, he kind of has the old man.
He's not used to physical touches.
Face.
And then he reciprocates it.
A nice warm hug.
I imagine Thaddeus be a good hugger.
It is at least an 18.
Oh, that's a good hug.
That's a really good hug.
I give him one of those forearm handshakes
where you grab the inside of the forearm.
To check for weapons?
To check for weapons.
Just to shake his hand.
You find there's a Glock 45.
Oh, that's a surprise.
It's an interesting place to keep it, too.
Yeah.
I approach him with my hands real up in the air,
almost like I'm unarmed,
but also I am going in for a hug.
He gives you the finger guns.
That's fair.
And he's like, ah, ah.
That's fair.
And then he gives you a hug.
And then you hear in your head, Nularaaaa,
Come on, just one more.
Just in the...
No, OK.
Maybe not today.
It's a sentimental moment.
I get it.
Oh, that's swell.
I'm glad the dagger's reasonable.
Swell.
Somewhat reasonable.
I mean, he reads the room,
so that's all you can ask for.
And Thaddeus and Flamigan's head out
of the yawning portal in...
Freeze frame, silhouetted against a bright day,
a tall Thaddeus, a tiny Flamigan
leaving the yawning portal.
Super sweet.
Music in today's episode was by Kavin McLeod
of incompetech.filmmusic.io.
Oh, I'm the yawning portal over here.
They ain't here.
It says.
Looks to have to do with a great story.
I mean, I could be talking to you.
You are.
I mean, I could be talking to you.
I mean, in real life, whenever I see a cat,
I literally meow at it, so it's not so crazy
he would talk to it.
I'm literally like,
hey meow meow, meow meow meow,
to every random cat I see on the street.
So I'm not saying that's not weird.
Just saying it's not weird that Flint would
talk to a cat that approached him.
It is done.
It is done, exactly.
Is that the voice?
I don't remember.
I think it was.
It's the voice now.
I really thought it was much more silky.
Oh no, he's pretty creepy now.
He's been smoking this whole time.
Yeah.
Just like two cats and marbles a day.
That's where he's at.
It's true.
You know what a good game is for two people?
Magic the Gather.
I was going to say sex.
That's what I was thinking too, Amy.
That too.
Depending on the two people, I mean,
for a married couple, certainly.
Yep.
Great.
You know what?
I don't think you can play both those games
in the same night.
Nope.
Nope, because magic takes a long time to play.
Yep, that's why.
Yeah, that's it.
You nailed it.
Yeah.
Are we recording?
Yeah.
We should go into the bloopers.
Dumbgeons & Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.